Monday, 17 February 2014

...and now for something Completely Different!

Tips On Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse

by the writers of AMC's The Walking Dead*

*or some random guy who isn't affiliated with the show at all... 


1. Whenever possible, be sure to travel through dark, dense forests with the noisiest, most incapable individual on the planet. Give this person a loaded gun, saving only a pocket knife for yourself. This will come in handy for digging your own grave while your companion howls in fright and ineffectually empties their magazine into the air in the face of a zombie horde.

2. Collect as many babies as you can and carry them with you at all times. A crying baby is zombie kryptonite. If babies aren't available, then find a hair stylist who'll give you dreadlocks. This not only makes you invisible, but unlike covering yourself in dead guts, it's waterproof! And a baby with a dreadlock? You're golden!

3. Zombies got you pinned down? Don't have a molotov cocktail to throw at a wrecked car for a distraction? Try spraying some water in their faces. Zombies hate this more than cats do!

4. While foraging for supplies, be sure to stock up on all those little knicknacks that you'll find kicking around abandoned homes. Who needs weapons and ammo, when you can simply distract a zombie by tossing snowglobes at it?

5. Impressed with your ability to trap a live zombie in an enclosed space, without harming it in the slightest? Tag your victories with some butt-kicking, post-apocalyptic graffiti! But whatever you do, don't pick up those scissors and try to finish it off. Fooling those cunning dead people with your razor-sharp wits is half the battle!

6. Never trust anyone brave enough to fight for another's safety. Hanging around with them will only get you killed. Better to simply shoot them in the head first and put them out of their inevitable misery, or if that's too difficult, let a child do it for you. Most young people are refreshingly homicidal, once you take away their video games and cell phones.

7. Always, always, always... run backwards! Everyone knows that zombies can't get you, as long as you're looking them in the eyes.

8. Zombies have notoriously bad eyesight, no sense of smell, and really poor hearing. As long as you don't stick your neck, arm or leg anywhere near their mouths, you should be fine.

9. Always travel in a crowd. That way, the zombie horde that your noisy friends will invariably attract will become completely disoriented at the sight of everyone running off in different directions.

10. Learn how to use a crossbow, or any kind of Japanese weapon. You're pretty much just screwed if you don't. Don't question it.

Watch The Walking Dead on AMC for more invaluable tips on how to stay off the menu during the zombie apocalypse!